assignments.

I just did like five blogs yesterday. I don't really know which ones I'm missing anymore.. I've been trying to go through all of the ones that I've done, but I can't tell which ones go to which, I didn't always put the question at the beginning of the post. Oh dear.. 

I hate my mother. I really do.. I mean, I love her, but she is REALLY bi-polar. And she loves to start fights. Doesn't matter who with, she just likes to fight. Its so frustrating. I've seen my friends once this summer so far and she never wants to drive me anywhere or pick me up and today I finally got her to give me a ride and now she's telling me she doesn't remember agreeing to that and when I tried explaining what we had talked about last night, she started getting mad, eventually it turned into a huge fight and now she's telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I just want to hang out with my fucking friends. The only way I'm able to hang out with them is if I find a place to stay for a little while but she doesn't want me to stay anywhere. How the hell am I supposed to hang out with them? Everything I try to do to make it so she doesn't have to drive she still says no to. Then, when I first asked she apparently thought it was nice to tell me that the only reason she says no all the time is because I always have an attitude, that turned into an argument too. All she ever does with me lately is argue and bitch and yell. I'm so fucking frustrated. She makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

Mosquitos!

I too, am allergic to mosquito's. I used to swell up really bad when I lived in Florida. When they bit me near my eyes it would swell up so bad that I would resemble a very skinny Quasi Motto(spelling?). Its not so bad anymore, but it does make me feel like my whole body is covered with mosquito bites and they still swell more than most people's do. Oh well.

The worst thing though is that I won't have school anymore! School is like a second home for me, and although I'm equipped with many means in which to reach my "support team", its still not the same. I like having a set place to go and things to do that don't really change. When I don't have that, my schedule and my mind just kind of disengage. So I'm usually not on time, I have extremely weird sleeping habits, even for me. I also eat either a lot less or a lot more. So when you guys see me next year, I'll look like I've lossed a lot. I have a feeling that I'll be loosing my appetite this summer.

The best thing is that its warm and I can tan naturally. I don't really like summer a whole lot. My favourite season in Fall and I miss school too much. Hahahah.. What a weirdo.

Therapy.

Oh, gosh, how I love my therapists. Yes, I do mean that to be plural. Hahahah.. I have a personal therapist and a family therapist. Such fun. I have two meetings with the family therapist this week. One is just me and my mom and the other is just me and my dad. I would rather drink that whole cartoon of rotten milk that was in my closet-bedroom thing for weeks than go to the session with my dad. I know for a fact that it will no go well. No matter what I say or do, he'll walk out of the office pissed off because every week, he's told by the therapist that his rules are too strict, too harsh and too uncaring. He's also told every week that he doesn't really actually have the right to parent the way he thinks he does, considering he was there for, well, all my life. I suppose this may be hard to digest, but he needs to figure it out somehow. I'm sure its hard to deal with, but its also hard to stand by a window when you're five, waiting for dad that never shows up. Hm.

Men and Twighlight.

I think its awesome that a guy was able to proclaim his love for twighlight. I personally think the series sucks, especially compared to the Harry Potter series. Which, yes, I have wrote many a fanfic for. Whether they were good or not, I have no idea. But anyways, for a guy to admit that he likes something "girly" can be hard. Especially if their friends are quite..ehhmm..."macho". I don't really have much else to say about this particular subject. I haven't really read the books.. I suppose that doesn't really matter.. I don't know what else to say right now.

Myspace. Hahhahh,.

Then, please share with me your own tales of myspace and social networking sites. How frequently do you witness things like cyber bullying or identity theft, as mentioned in the story? 

I've never really personally experienced identity theft of any sort. But this girl I used to be friends with would hack all the "nerdy girls" myspaces and change their backgrounds to really profane images and write rude comments to people, pretending to be them and then change the passwords and never touch it again. Then when the girls got new myspaces, she would do it again. I used to tell her not to do it when i was around, but a lot of the times she did it anyways. I think thats the only time I've ever really run into anything like that.

Breaking the silence.

God, things like this are awful. I hate hearing about this. I just can never understand why anyone would want to do anything like that to anyone. And not just to females, it happens to males too. I have some very strong opinions about things like this. Its really hard for me to talk about though. I definitely think people should speak up about it, get the help they need. Its really hard for me to talk about things like this. Sorry my response is so short and redundant, but its really all I feel comfortable saying on this particular website...or any other one for that matter. 

How will you turn this into something that remains a positive vehicle for you? Will you also seek an audience?

I think people who want to read, can read. I'm sure my blog occasionally  comes up in a google search or two. I would like to think that occasionally people who I don't know read my opinions and things, but its not really a big deal to me. I just like to write out my thoughts, and the notion that people might be reading this is really the only thing that makes me want to keep writing. But I really like to write, so its not like I'm just doing it for no reason other than attention. But... I don't know its hard to explain. Its kind of like.. I don't know. I like to get feedback and feel like I might be making a difference somehow, somewhere. I don't know.. An audience isn't really a big deal to me though. I like to blog, and I'll probably keep doing it, whether people are reading it or not.

Pixar and such.

What are your thoughts about the representation or absence of women, people of color, the GLBTQ and other marginalized or historically oppressed people in movies, tv and the media?

I think its slowly getting better. Because there are many different levels of acceptance for certain races, lifestyles, etc. its hard for big companies to just jump right into all these diverse things. Not to make it seem like its okay, but I think you can't expect change to happen overnight, and although it isn't fair, most things in life aren't. Not to mention, pixar isn't bent on changing the world. They're bent on making movies. So whatever sells is what they're going to do. I do think its kind of ridiculous that there aren't more diverse leading characters, but it will change eventually.

Books.

What was the last novel you read cover to cover? What are your early memories with reading and books? Do you read on your own time?

I just finished Angels and Demons last week. I probably shouldn't have been reading a book when I could've been doing the rest of my schoolwork, but it was just so nice to finally read something that had absolutely no educational value. Other than heightening my vocabulary, of course. I used to read ALL the time. I always had my nose in a book when I was little. Then all the sudden, with the last year or two, I just stopped. I don't know why. But I love to read, and I've been searching through my little library at home, but I've already read all the books at home. I do like the Series of Unfortunate Events books, but I want to at least have the first three or four out of..what, 13? before I being reading the series. They're rather short books, so I don't think they'll last long for me. But I do love reading. My mom would buy me books, but we're extra poor right now. 

I think its been a couple weeks since the last time I went over to my grandma's. I'm sure my grandma could use the company, my aunt went off for army stuff and will be gone for the next week. She's already been gone a whole week too.Thats my grandma, in the picture, by the way.

Memories.

I don't know how old I was, maybe ten or eleven.. My mom used to leave me home alone in theapartment all the time. There were two bedrooms and a wide open space, which held the kitchen, living room, and front hall. My mother had an obsession with the colors orange, red and yellow. So, on top of the dingy brown carpet, rested a large leather couch that looked like a queen sized bed, folded in half with a large red sheet holding it together. I remember one time, my grandma, from my dads side, came to pick me up for a little weekend visit with my family.. When she walked into the house she had the most disgusted look on her face. Like she couldn't believe her granddaughter lived somewhere so "poor". She had my cousin Jacob with, who I used to be really close with, and that was the first time he had ever seen where I lived. He lived in a dirty old house in Minneapolis and up until then, he thought I was a spoiled little brat who lived in a huge, nice house. Whenever I told him he was wrong, he thought I was joking I guess. But after that, he stopped making fun of me when my grandma bought me clothes, probably because he understood that when she bought me things, that was really the only time I got anything other than food and a package of underwear. When she knocked on the door, I was playing some weird game on the gamecube, something I did often to pass the time. I can't remember if I was expecting her or not. I used to go with her every other weekend and I think I forgot that it was her weekend. Anyways, the door was open, so I just yelled to her and told her to come in. I remember when she walked in, she saw me alone on the floor of the empty apartment and asked where everyone was. I replied with the same answer I gave everyone; "I dunno.. probably at work.. why does it matter?". She looked at me kind of weird, I think maybe the answer I gave her made her a little sad. Who doesn't know where they're parents are when they leave you home alone for hours?

I also remember my other grandma, who I'm very close with, used to come over sometimes and bring me soup and things. At least I think it was at this apartment. She always bought me meals or came over with something she had made for dinner to share with me. She used to crack jokes with me about where my mom was and how the only time I got to see her was when my mommy abandoned me at home. I love my grandma.. hahah.. My mom used to take her away from me when I was supposedly misbehaving. She used to do that a lot. Or when my grandma wouldn't give her what she wanted, they would get into huge fights and my mom wouldn't let her see me for a while.

Thats all I can remember for now... :p

Okay...

Well, I finally published the blog about my memories or whatever, its right above this one, I think.

My dad took me shopping today. I got some cute new shoes from Journeys.. I also got a new pair of jeans, which I desperately needed. I'm sure you've seen the ones with the big whole's in them. Those are my favorite jeans.. it takes me a while to find the kind that I like, then once I do, I'll wear them until its absolutely impossible. Hahahahah.. oh wow. I've got some weird habits.

This weekend with my dad isn't horrible. I still would rather be at home. But its not as awkward. We watched Grand Torino(is that the right spelling?) together last night. It was a good movie. There's still really no substance to our relationship, but I guess this is a start. He and his wife drank a bottle of wine and his wife was fairly drunk. It was mildly entertaining. I thought so anyways.. hahah.

I just got a new phone from my dad. Its really nice too. I like it quite a bit. I just set up all my facebook, twitter and blogging stuff on the internet thing on it. Which is what im writing this blog from, hahah :) i feel rather cool. Well, i'll be starting on all the missing blogs tomorrow. I'll also be cleaning my room. Ick.

Overwhelmed.

I'm sleeping in Sidneys closet tonight and I was going to crack down on the rest of my homework and hopefully finish it tonight. Only to find that I left my notebook at school in Becky's room. My other notebook is at home, the one that has all of my math assignments I need. I can't call my mom right now because I don't have to phone and I can't leave the closet because I need someone to move the huge box thats in front of it. By the time I find Sidney it'll probably be too late to call my mom.. I don't know, but I need to finish that stupid project for Larry, I need those stupid math assignments, but I don't even know what they are and I would have to redo them all, not to mention I have no paper. I need to type like three papers for rich, and when I get to school tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh gosh. I'm really freaking out. I need to call my mom, but I'm sure Tashi won't give me the phone. Oh my god. Hopefully I can call my mom soon, at least in the morning and she can just bring me the notebook and maybe some clothes too. I really need that notebook. Oh shit. I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking behind, but at the same time, I'm almost caught up. I just need a week or two. Shit.

I'm so tired..

I have to pee. Hahah.. Anyways.. I bleached my hair last night. It didn't go as well as planned. I need to do it again pretty quick here. I think we're doing it this weekend. I don't know. Hopefully tonight before the meeting Sidney and I are going to. Book says I should just go blond. I think I will. I'm just nervous that it will look hideous, but Book says it won't. Hahahh.. Oh man. I've never had anything but blond highlights in my hair. I've always been a brunette. Always. I think I'm just ready for a change. Even for a little while. Something good, well, I guess its not good or bad, its just something new. Instead of the same old routine, I guess. I don't know.

Oh gosh, I'm nervous for this meeting Sidney and I have tonight too. I don't know what to say or do. I hope it goes well.. I mean it will, but I hope it isn't, I don't know, boring or something. I hope it will really help.

Oh wow. I guess Sidney is going to outpatient treatment all summer.. Oh dear.

Volume.

So, what it is? What volume do you like to hear your music at and why? Do you feel like listening to music loudly is a worthy sacrifice or some bands are better louder? What about concerts? Ever gone to one with ear plugs?

I think that some music just sounds better when turned up loud and danced to obnoxiously. I don't know... I feel like some music really just sounds better sometimes when its loud. And I think it is a worthy sacrafice, no matter the band. Like, there are certain experiences that I have with music, like...Oh gosh. I can't really talk about it, but.. I don't know. But I like to explore every inch of the music I listen to. It makes me happy, and if it means listening to it really loud to hear that little hidden phrase or whatever..