Post Secret

I love post secret. I really like it when people I don't know share parts of their life with me, and this is almost the same thing. I love it. I always go to Barnes and Noble and I read the books and I leave secrets on napkins and things and put them inside the front cover or between some of the pages. Its quite fun. I can't remember when I first read the books, it was a long time ago. There was a story in the front or back of one of the books talking about how some person would leave secrets inside of the book instead of mailing them in, and I thought that was cool, so I started doing it too. I think the person that left them in the books actually left them in library books, which I think is even cooler.

I agree with this one. Hah.

Getting behind..

Ahahahah, that picture of Larry and I is probably the funniest thing. :)


Anyways, I just talked to a couple of my teachers and holy crap, I am BEHIND. But it should be fairly easy to catch up, I just have to do it. Hahah, easier said than done. But for photography, I had all my work ready, and my computer kind of stopped turning on. Which is really dumb and I want it fixed, but no one seems to want to help me out with that. :( So now I have to take 48 new ones for friday.. Lame. I also can't edit them on my moms computer, so I better be extra, EXTRA careful with the flash and such. Not that I'm really all that great, regardless of the photoshop. Hah.


I'm really, very bored. I'm waiting for my dad to get here and I hope that he takes me to get new art supplies or something, because I'm out of canvases.

Explanation of the pictures!

So, the first three are of disney characters... Thats because ever since I was little, I loved all the disney movies and my mom always told me that the princesses were really pretty. My mom also called me princess all the time, as do most parents with their young daughters. So I always just thought that princesses in disney movies were very pretty.

The middle two are of the Henna and regular tattoo's. I think that both of those are very amazing ways of displaying your thoughts, beliefs, and memories on your body. Also, the ways that Indians decorate their hands for their weddings and other important cermonies I think is very cool. And the designs are so intricate. Its very beautiful.

The last two are of Native American women, the little girl's name is Standing Holy, she is Sitting Bull's daughter, which is one of the people that we are related to. I think that my idea of beauty mostly comes from these pictures. I mean, not these particularly, but the idea of a beautiful native american woman is one that I've had for a very long time. Although I get caught up in what I guess you could call "mainstream beauty", I always think back to pictures I've seen of Native Americans, and I always, always think they are much more beautiful and lately I've been trying to revert back to a natural form of beauty, because I don't think it would be very normal is I dressed the way they used to, now days. Ahahahah... it would probably be a little weird.

Playlist of my Life

1. Hindsight

2. A Diamond and a Tether

3. You Remind me of Home

4. My Mirror Speaks

5. Styrofoam Plates

6. Tiny Vessels

7. Expo '86

Well, I love picking out theme songs for people, and I find new ones for myself all the time. But the ones listed above seem to be the recurring theme songs for myself that I always agree with.

1. Hindsight- Three wasted years, standing still

As you opened up, 18 miles wide
On this country drive
I can't keep up
'cause you're so far gone
And it's all too much in hindsight
Three wasted years, wasting time
As the hunger pains grow inside

I can't keep up
'cause you're so far gone
And it's all too much in hindsight

This is because always look back on things that I've done and think of how bad or embarrassing or dumb I was being. I love it and it usually makes me smile, but at the same time, there are memories that I was I didn't remember because sometimes it really is just too much for me. Which also might be why I don't remember half my life. Ahahah..

2. A Diamond and a Tether- Pity, take pity on me

Because I’m not half the man that I should be
Always turning to run
From the people I should not be afraid of
And darling, you should know
That I have fantasies about being alone
It’s like love is a lesson
That I can’t learn
So I make the same mistakes at each familiar turn

Chorus
I know you can’t hold out forever
Waiting on a diamond and a tether
From a boy who won’t swim
Who won’t dip his toe in
Just to keep you here with him

I’ve got this habit I abhor
When we go out, I’m always watching the door
As if there’s someone I’m going to see
Who could out do the things that you do to me

Chorus
I know you can’t hold out forever
Waiting on a diamond and a tether
From a boy who won’t fly
Who won’t take to the skies
If he thinks you’re about to say goodbye

Pity, take pity on me
Because I’m not half the man that I should be
And I don’t blame you, you’ve had enough
With all these empty promises and countless bluffs

Chorus
I know you can’t hold out forever
Waiting on a diamond and a tether
From a boy who won’t jump
When he’s falls in love
He just stands with his toes on the edge
And he waits for it to disappear again

This one is because I always, always make the same mistakes when it comes to relationships. I think thats the best that I can put it. The song explains it almost to the T. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I always am looking for someone better. Or I'll find someone I really, really like and then when it comes to being with them for real, I always back down. I'm just not very good at this relationship thing. Ahahahh..

3. You Remind me of Home-

You remind me of home: the paint cracks when the water leaks

from the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet
You remind me of home: the heater's warm but fills the room with a
potpourri of dust and gas fumes

You remind me of home: a broken bed with dirty sheets that creaks
when I am shifting in my sleep
You remind me of home: in a suburban town with nothing to do,
patiently waiting for something to happen
But the foundation is crumbling and becoming one with the ground
while you lay there in slumber...
You're wasting your lie

You remind me of home: sitting on a thrift store couch, I'm trying to

get this all down

This song just reminds me of all my memories that I have with my ex, Tim and some old friends and all the things we promised each other and all the things we said we'd do and obviously aren't going to do now, considering we don't talk anymore. But occasionally I see something or smell something that reminds me of them and the two years that I was with Tim. Mostly this song just makes me very nostalgic.

4. My Mirror Speaks- With every sun that sets I am feeling more

Like a stranger on a foreign shore
With an eroding beach disappearing from underneath

And when my mirror speaks it never minces words
Cause these eyes don’t shine half as bright
As they used to do and they haven’t for quite a while

Cause I’m a man who hides from all that binds
And a mess of fading lines
And there’s a tangled thread inside my head
With nothing on either end

I always fall in love with an open door
With a horizon on an endless sea
As I look around the ones who were standing
right in front of me

And then my mirror speaks with a reverence
Like a soldier I can’t command
It sees a frightened child in the body of a full-grown man

And he’s a man who hides from all that binds
And a mess of fading lines
And there’s a tangled thread inside his head
With nothing on either end
There’s nothing on either end

A new position for a different view
And nothing changes but the slightest hues
And I am standing face to face

With a man who hides from all that binds
And a mess of fading lines
And there’s a tangled thread inside his head
With nothing on either end

I’m a man who hides from all that binds
And a mess of fading lines
And there’s a tangled thread inside my head
With nothing on either end
(repeat)

There’s nothing on the ends
No, there’s nothing on the ends

I would say this song represents the way my mind works and the way that I think and function. Especially the Chorus, the tangled thread with nothing on either ends is definitely how my brain is. Ahahah :)

5. Styrofoam Plates- there's a saltwater film on the jar of your ashes: i threw them to sea but a gust blew them backwards and the sting in my eyes

that you then inflicted was par for the course just as when you were living.

it's no stretch to say you were not quite a father but a donor of seeds to a poor single mother that would raise us alone, we'd never see the money that went down your throat
through the hole in your belly.

thirteen years old in the suburbs of Denver
standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner at the catholic Church. the servers wore crosses
to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others. Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables charity reeks of cheap wine and pity
and I'm thinking of you. i do every year
when we count all our blessings
and wonder what we're doing here.

you're a disgrace to the concept of family
the priest won't divulge that fact in his homily and I'll stand up and scream
if the mourning remain quiet, you can deck out a lie in a suit but i won't buy it.
i won't join in the procession that's speaking their peace. using five dollar words while praising his integrity. and just cause he's gone it doesn't change the fact: he was a bastard in life thus a bastard in death.

This song reminds me of my father and the relationship we have. Although, I listened to it one time right after I got done talking to my mom about her father and this song reminds me more of her and her father, so I guess this song is more a theme song for her life. But I can connect to it as well. The beginning of the song reminds me of my father the most.

6. Tiny Vessels- This is the moment that you know

That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day

All I see are dark Grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me (x2)

This song is another one that reminds me of a relationship that I've had before. Actually, this has happened a few times to me. He had everyone but himself convinced that he loved me, but we weren't ever happy. This song basically describes how our relationship went. Especially the

So when you ask "Is something wrong?"

I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.

No, we can't talk about it now."

part, because thats sort of the way we broke up. Only I suppose I was the one saying damn right instead of him. But this song very much so reminds me of him. We were together for almost two years. Hah.

7. Expo 86'- sometimes i think this cycle never ends

we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

but if i move my place in line I'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.

sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

and it's strange
they are all basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.

sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse (x2)

This song basically describes my life on a daily basis. The way the song sounds, if you listen to it, and the lyrics, they just remind me a lot of myself and the way my life goes on a daily basis. "Another diet fed by crippling defeat" fits quite well sometimes.

Beauty Part II: Pictures

Beauty

Beauty to me doesn't look or smell or taste or feel like anything. I think that in some way, everything and everyone is beautiful. Which sounds cheesy and dumb, but its what I think. You don't have to be the stereotypical version of a beautiful person to be beautiful. This is sort of a weird topic for me though, because I do think everything in some way has some form of beauty, but at the same time, when I stop to look at something, I always find the ugliness rather than the beauty..but I guess people and objects at their "ugliest" is when I think they are the most beautiful. Its hard to explain. Like, the flaws of the world are what I find the most beautiful. Like raw emotions and Fruedian slips, things like that. There are other flaws that I would like to say, but I won't because I would have to explain why I think those things are beautiful when most people think they are horrific or tragically sad or unsettlingly weird. But that is all I can think of how to describe it, so I guess I'll leave it at that.

Friends.

I don't know how to handle things like this. I feel like crying all the time and I just want to go to sleep. I'm always, always there for the people I'm close with, but it seems that lately we aren't there for each other at all and I really need them right now. I always try to talk about things that are important to me and when I do, I always seem to be blown off in the same ways. When we're on the phone its Oh, I'm watching TV, in person its just that theres other people around and I have nothing fun to say.. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is it wrong of me to expect someone to be there for me as much as I try to be for them? I always take the back seat with things like this and let everyone else talk to me about their problems. I don't know if its just that I talk all the time and no one wants to hear it anymore.. Thats probably it. I want to tell someone about the things that make me happy and the things that make me upset and its like I tell one person or another, but not many people seem to actually care. And on top of this, Sidney and I have been fighting a lot lately. I think its my fault, I get upset because I don't want to enable her bad habits so I say something to her, then she gets mad at me and we argue for like five minutes and then we don't talk for like twenty. I don't want to see her do that to herself all the time and I thought helping her stop would be good for her, but it seems like its only making us angrier at each other. And when I back down from trying to help, not only to I get upset with her a little, I'm upset with myself for backing down. I don't want to do this anymore. But lately it feels like we're always angry at each other. I don't know what to do, and normally I would talk to her about decisions like this, but I don't think I can. There's just so much going on lately and its taken a toll on all of us, but I feel like it gets taken out on me by a lot of the people involved. I'm probably just overreacting now though. I do that a lot, taking things too personally or taking things the wrong way. I just don't want to loose Sid as a friend, but I feel like she's trying really hard to push me away and I'm trying really hard to pull her back and its not working. It makes me very, very sad. But this happens all the time. It won't be a big deal.

4.20.

How do you think your life has been impacted by school violence?

I think that it hasn't been changed much either way, I guess there really isn't a lot of violence in the schools that I've gone to, and even when there was, it kind of dissipated quickly. The only big thing I've ever really noticed is the lockdowns and such. But we've had those since forever. I can't remember not having them.

I know that 4/20 is not only know for Columbine. What other significance does it hold for you and why?

It doesn't really hold any other significance for me. I've been told that its national weed day or whatever, but my friends and I don't really celebrate it. Surprise, I know. Ahahhah..

Childhood memories

Well, I have all sorts of memories from when I was younger, I just can't remember some of them. Or sometimes I remember but its only for that day or something like that.

Anyways, one of my favourite memories is from when I was very, VERY little and my mom had taken me to my grandma's brothers house (who I guess the family doesn't talk to at all.) and I can see an outline of my uncle standing outside of his house by the door and it was late at night and there is only a porch light on and... its like a pile of partially chopped wood to the side with an axe leaning against it and he's waving goodbye. I like this memory because its just... its like a dream, but I know its not because I told my mom about it one time and she told me that it wasn't a dream, that we actually did go to his house once a really, really long time ago and she was surprised that I could remember that. I don't know how to explain it. It just think about it all the time.

An ideal date..

I would say it would probably something simple, like walking down grand on a warm summer day with a lot of laugher and conversation.

Lakota Language

Well, its definitely very hard to teach yourself a language, and in my opinion, Lakota is probably one of the harder ones to learn. But I do have the right accent for it, ahahahah. Who would have guessed, right?

Anyways...

I dug around in my room today and found one of the books that I bought a long time ag, its like a grammar book for Lakota. Its very interesting. I have a feeling I will catch on quickly, the problem is that I have no one to pronounce the words and things for me so I can see if I'm doing it right. I am trying to find video's of people speaking Lakota, but I've only found one so far. I suppose I've only been looking for the past half hour, so that might be why..

I want to learn my native language so I can teach my children, its the same thing with the religion. I think that not enough Native children care about our heritage any more and thats contributing to the loss. There are probably on a few hundred people that still know the Lakota language today, and probably more than half of those people are growing quite old. I want to learn it so that I can keep my people's traditions alive. This all sounds quite cheezy, now that I've read it again, but its all very true. I've talked to my Dad about it and he said that he's going to plan some kind of a trip to the reservation my people live on or to go to a Pow Wow or something. That way I can observe the culture at work and maybe pick up a little bit more on the language. I might also be able to find someone who is willing to teach me. But we probably won't be able to go until the summer. Which sucks just a little because I want to learn it as soon as possible. But oh well, summers almost here anyways :)

My Father...

Ahaha, I find it extremely entertaining that I have I'm now writing a blog about my father after I just recently wrote one about my mother.'

I would say, on some level, very deep down...I mean VERY deep down, I love my mother. But I have never spent real "quality" time with him. He has never lived with us, never been a consistent father figure in my life. Actually, he reallu hasn't ever been there for me as far as I can remember. And the few times that I have seen him, he constantly bad mouths my mom, and although I don't like my mom a whole lot, I don't want to hear some dumbass fucking douchebag that I don't know, talk about her like they're in highschool and she's some ex-girlfriend that he is convinced cheated on him. Its annoying and it makes me dislike him even more. Also, he thinks he knows everything and talks constantly. I talk a lot as well, but I would say most of the time, I let other people talk as well and contribute to the conversation we're having. He doesn't do that. At all. Most of the time he just continually talks until we arive at our destination. I would say that a majority of the memories I have of my father are sitting in his car or a fast food restaurants while he just talks and talks...and talks and talks and talks...and talks. Oh, and he thinks that I am EXACTLY like him, except for that part where I'm a girl and well, he isn't. Its so frustrating, and he's so controling.

Like right now, we're in this stupid custody battle thing, and I'm supposed to go over there every other weekend, but I haven't been lately, because I'm old enough to decide whether or not I want to go, and I just don't want to go. Hah. He's so annoying, and he acts like a 16 year old boy, or he's just a total asshole to me. Niether one is very appealing and I have to say, if I could just erase his existance, I don't think even his own mother would mind. God, I hate him so much. but I suppose I don't know him that well, so I shouldn't say that, but I don't like how he treats me at all, and I don't really like the kind of person he is. He's a douche to the majority of the friends he has, and he talks about them negatively all the time.

What really bothers me about this stupid custody thing is that, 1. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME, they only listen to my parents and really all that happens is I get caught in the middle of this "war", as both my parents call it, and its not very fun. 2. HE ISN'T EVER HOME ON THE WEEKENDS THAT I'M THERE! I mean, WTF. If this is supposed to be time that we're spending together, we should fucking spend it together then. I have to go over there tomorrow sometime between four and seven, and I definitely, definitely don't want to go. I wish I could just erase him off of the face of the earth..or like hire a hit man or something and pray to god no one finds out I hired him. But thats highly illegal and I don't even know how I would go about finding a hit man, or the money to hire him.

I'm so fucking mad right now. I wish this whole custody thing never happened. I want my old life back. It was just starting to work out for me, and I was actually starting to be happy. Now I have to fucking try to start a meaningless relationship, that won't last very long, with a man that I don't even know. I don't feel any conection to him, at all whatsoever, other than the fact that he is my biological father. God I hate him.

So...

I strongly dislike it when I tell someone that I don't feel comfortable talking about something and then they think that I'm not smart enough to catch on when they start asking "simple questions" and try to lead me into talking about whatever it is. And then they assume that I want to talk, but don't know how to go about it or something. Thats not true and I when I say I don't want to talk about something or I can't right now, I mean it. And I don't understand what makes some people think they can force me into talking using the methods mentioned above. If a person is not capable of talking about something, and they aren't in any immediate danger by not talking, then the person who's asking about it should, at the very least, come back another time and try again.

On top of it all, I don't like school counselors. They never listen to you and they always tell you that what you're feeling, isn't really what your feeling. 

I'm really hungry, really angry, and really tired. I want ramen, but I don't really like the chicken flavor. Ah, so random today. Sorry guys, and I'll post the assignments tonight when I get home. I just can't concentrate on them right now.

My mother.

This is ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Sometimes I just can't believe my mother, she does these stupid, unnecessary things all the time. It amazing me, how immature she can be. I don't understand. I mean, I know I don't make the best decisions all the time, but at least I acknowledge and admit that. She doesn't, she blames it on me or her husband and then proceeds to tell us what horrible people we are for doing whatever she did that she's blaming us for. Don't get me wrong, I would rather live with my mom any day, but I HATE her. I do not love my mom anymore, I think I might have a long time ago. I can honestly say that I do not love my mom and I haven't for a while. I guess, for anyone to believe that I don't love my mom, you would have to know everything thats ever happened to make me feel that way, but I don't think I could type that all out in one night. Not to mention I don't think I could handle talking about it without getting up right now and freaking out on her for everything she's done to me that I just ignore.

Paranormal.

Its only like...10:00 and I'm scared shitless. I always watch these dumb "paranormal" shows and it freaks me out. I've only experienced something like that once in my life and I don't think I ever slept in my room alone that whole time that it "haunted" us. We had to do so much to get rid of it and it wouldn't leave us alone for a long time. So whenever I watch these, I always feel like there's something watching me. Its very creepy.

Anyways, on a happier note, I decided today that I'm going to start researching and learning Native "religion" and try to learn my native language. I included these things in my 43 things list, which some people might have seen. My native language is some form of Lakota. And let me tell you, it is the hardest effing language I've ever tried to learn. There are separate languages for the men and women and you have to learn both in order to understand each other. But I'm going to see if I can find other, not so expensive, ways to learn it. I want to learn this stuff so I can teach my children, adopted or not, my heritage and try to keep them interested in it throughout their life. I don't know many kids that celebrate their heritage the way that I want to. I mean, a lot of people kind of cast it aside and don't bother to keep traditions in tact.

43 things..

I'm still thinking about some, but I have like five of them.

http://www.43things.com/person/kaitlyn0224

Hmm...

I think I am probably one of the most complicated, insane human beings that I've ever seen. I recently figured out that I have two main personalities within myself. One that manages my emotions and one that actually lives my life. And I must say, the one that keeps track of all of my emotions, doesn't seem to want to share the information she gathers. So the other one is left to scavenge for hints of how I feel. Its very frustrating, because I know myself and I'd say I'm rather predictable, so its not like I don't know what the emotions are and why I'm feeling them, but at the same time I don't know. I'm not really sure if this is what happens to everyone, but it the oddest thing I've ever experienced.

For instance, I'm sort of, kind of seeing this guy right now, and I know I have very strong feelings for him. And he reassures me of this every time I talk to him by the way he treats me and the things he says, however I have this looming sense of insecurity and doubt. But I can't figure out why, except that I know the one and only reason that I would ever feel like that, and yet I don't think thats what's bothering me. I told Larry about it and the complications that this relationship brought, but he didn't really give me much help on the subject. Although he did say that he has been through many types of complicated relationships over the years and didn't seem to object to the situation. I feel a lot better after telling him, but I still have the lurking suspicion that something is going to go very wrong or that I'm making a huge mistake. But the things that this particular person has said to me, makes me feel like it might just be my fear of commitment trying to sabotage me. God, its like I have completely opposite people inside of me, always fighting. So I'm kind of always stuck between two decisions. And, as far as I know, being able to make decisions is an important life skill, so I have no idea how I'm going to fix this. Another thing I've noticed is that when I'm writing like this, I go back and forth between the two idea's that I have and I think that makes it seem like I'm talking in circles.

I love doughnut holes..

I'm watching Juno with Sidney right now and I think this is probably the four hundredth time that I've seen this movie. Usually I love it and watch every minute of it, but today it seems just annoying and tedious to have to watch..

Oh god! Sidney just rolled on top of me. I can't breath. She's supposed to be helping me cut my hair or find a new way to style it, but instead she's laying on top of me screaming annihilation.

Oh gosh, I've had this page up for a day now and I haven't finished writing. I think I'm going to have a tough time writing spontaneously at first because whenever I have the urge to write, I will pull up the website and as soon as I hit the New Post button, my brain freezes. I think this is because I have a fear of being boring or uninteresting to other people or I don't think what I'm writing will even be read by anyone other than my teacher and a friend or two. I don't know why that is and I hope that I will get over this fear very soon, because I know I'm not a horrible writer and not everything I write about is boring.

An update?

Well, I guess its about time I started "blogging" again. I haven't for a while, and since Becky wants us to on our own as well as in class, I might as well.

Referring to the article, particularly the part about a blog writer having an obsession, I would say mine is probably life and the people and situations in my own. I don't think I've ever been compelled to start a blog about anything else. Its always puzzled me as to why I would want to share raw details about my personal life with random strangers on the internet though. I mean, wouldn't that be the purpose of diary? But I've tried that and it failed miserably, so then I thought maybe it was because I didn't like writing out on paper, so I tried doing journal entries using word documents and saving them in a folder called "diary", but I think only wrote, like, two entries? But with my blogging on my websites and things, its always been fairly consistent as long as I'm not overwhelmingly busy, and even then I make time to blog. So, my conclusion for this little excerpt  would have to be that I must really like the aspect of random people reading about me and my personal thoughts, opinions, experiences and such otherwise there really is no explanation as to why I would choose to publicize every last detail of my life. I'm not sure where all of this came from, but I suppose its an expanded form of the summary we were supposed to do for that article.

Video!

Hello :) My name is Kaitlyn or Katie, which ever is fine. Um, I live somewhere in the middle of minnesota. I took this class because it looked interesting and I like to mess around on computers, even though I am just slightly technologically illiterate. Soo...yeah. This is mu introduction, ahah.