Can't think of a title.

What are the essential things we model and teach others? How does that speak to our core selves? Intriguing questions. Curious to hear your thoughts on all this. What is the greatest thing your parents taught you- consciously or not?


I don't know how to answer this question.

The greatest thing my parents taught me is how to live your life in poverty and despair. They taught me how to be rude and obnoxious and unkind. To only care about yourself and the well being of your own mental health. They taught me hundreds of ways not to live your life and in doing that, they created... I don't know, a drive to do better for myself, to live healthier and raise my children in a loving home, to treat people with respect and to have some sort of dignity. Although I don't really work as hard to get those things anymore, its always in the back of my mind.


Thats really all I have to say.

Criticism.

And, how equipped are young people to hearing critique and feedback? How do you hear feedback differently from friends, family or teachers? Where did you learn your response to constructive criticism or compliments, for that matter?

I think a majority of teenagers don't really handle criticism very well. From what I've experienced, we seem to do the exact opposite. But I think that's because a lot of teenagers see criticism negatively and only negatively. I think when you hear it from friends, it tends to go over better than from family or teachers. I know for me I hate get criticized by my family, it just makes me feel like I'm not worth anything or I'm not good enough. But when my friends do it, its easier to hear because I trust their opinion more and I feel more like they're trying to help rather than just being buttheads.

I'm not sure where I learned my response from.. I suppose from my mother and from watching other people take comments when I was younger. I don't really know...

Catching up

Well, I just wrote about a million blogs. I also have a few others from a while ago that I don't think have been read yet, but I have no idea. They have no Becky comments, so I'm guessing they haven't been read or graded or anything. But they are done! I promise! Wooh, I feel a little better now that I've actually done some work. Hahah..

I'm trying to focus on the flickr project. But its proving to be difficult for me. I don't know why. Its a very interesting project. It'll be done soon. I'm sure once I can get myself to concentrate on it, it'll be finished in, like, a day.

Body image.

How do you feel about body image in our culture? How has weight impacted your life or thinking? How important to you is size?

I think it depends on the place and people you are around In our school, I feel like body image isn't really an issue, everyone has their own style and rude comments tend to be ignored. In white bear, a lot is based on body image. Because a majority of the girls in white bear are tiny, almost toothpick thin and I'm about average I always thought that I was extremely overweight, so I had super low self esteem, and on top of that, my family has very intense views of "fat and skinny". Sorry, I don't know how else to put that. Recently though, I don't really know what happened, but I've started to ignore the family thing, and since I've switched schools, I haven't had a HUGE problem with it. I still concentrate on my weight more than I feel like I should, but it used to be the only thing that occupied my thoughts. So I suppose it doesn't impact my thinking much. Occasionally, when I feel like I've eaten too much, I think I should probably go on a diet, but as everyone probably knows, that never goes as well as planned.

"First" story..

Hmm.. I'm not sure. I can't remember a whole lot of "firsts" for me.. Oh gosh. I really can't remember any firsts. Oh! I know, another smoking story, hahah.

I remember when I was in like 6th grade.. or maybe seventh.. we live in these really crappy apartments and with two rooms and noisy, rude neighbors and a tiny 2 by 4 deck. My mom and her husband would always leave me alone for hours at a time while they went to work or out to clubs and things and I remember.. it must have been 6th grade, or the summer of, and I was looking around for what I wanted to eat and I pulled a chair up to the top of the fridge, looking for cereal or sugar or something and I came across my mom's husband's pack of marb lights. I decided it would be cool or fun or something, I have no idea actually, to go and have a cigarette out on the deck. So I carefully slid one out of the pack, being careful not to touch anything more than necessary and to put the pack back exactly as it was and then I looked around for a lighter and went out on the deck. Probably five seconds after I started smoking, I decided it tasted disgusting and wasted a whole cigarette. What a shame! Hahaha.. speaking of smoking, I haven't had a cigarette in almost a month, not by choice, but because of the circumstances.

Grooming and things.

What grooming that you do makes you feel totally awesome?

I have a certain routine throughout the day, although it may not seem like it, hahahah.. I guess having my nails all one length is what I concentrate on the most. Although a lot of times they break and I have to restart. But I try really hard to keep them all really long and almost exactly thesame length. Sometimes I get to be very anal about it, but thats what happens when you have OCD. At least for me.. I'll either get really into or try and ignore to pretend like it isn't bothering me. Hah.

Mothers Day.

What have all of you planned for the significant women in your life? You know it doesn't have to be a gift. It could be art, a letter, a homemade breakfast, or even time with you. What are your plans?

Well, we really didn't have a ton of plans for mothers day. I guess we were supposed to go out to lunch and dinner with different sides ofthe family and that was about it. I think also we were suposed to go to my grandma's house I can't remember. But it doesn't matter because I was in the psych ward. hahahahahh.. yeah.

Oh, Beck..

I miss you and Sid and Nicholi and everyone so much. There's just too much going on. I wish it would all just stop and I could continue on with my life. I just want to come back to school. I was put in a shelter this weekend, which might, and most likely will delay my return to CAHS. Which is very, very sad for me. I miss you guys so much, it just makes my heart ache. I'm finally home and I'm going to try my hardest to make decisions based on getting back to school. I'm coming on wednesday, I just haven't figured out how to get the money yet. But I'm sure I will, and I already had plans for coming to school on wednesday, so I will get there one way or another. And I did hear that Larry was filling in for Rory, and I heard Grace was in it too. I'm trying my hardest to come back!

I saw Randy, Book, and Larry the other day. I think it was monday after school.. They were all so happy to see me. Its nice to come back to that, after all thats happened. Even if I can only come back for five minutes, its nice to feel like I have all of these people that care about me. I'm sorry its taking so long to catch up, but it will be done soon, I promise, and this time I shouldn't end up some random place where I won't be able to finish it. Hahaha :)

Flickr project.

I was going to finish it on saturday and sunday, however, I didn't get a chance to. I'm working on it now and hopefully I will get it up by tomorrow or saturday. I couldn't remember anything that I had done or what I had left to do, I only had the saved websites of hotels and a few pictures... pictures of what though, I have no idea. Places in Italy I suppose. Hahahah..

The project really isn't that hard, and I'm sorry its so late. I would've had it done last night, but sometimes my sleeping patterns work against me. I ended up waking up several times trying to do it, but I just couldn't concentrate. Oh well..


I got to go to school today at around 415. Almost everyone was gone already, but I got to see John, Tim, Randy and Larraid. Krist said hi to me. I feel so weird, like everyone knows where I've been.. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It was nice to come back though. I was so glad to see everyone. Its been a few hours since I left and I'm still just full of hapiness. I'm going to prom tomorrow I hope, if Sidney buys the tickets. But either way, I'll be back tomorrow around the same time. Just to say hi. I know it seems tedious, and a little odd because no one is really there. But it makes me feel like I have some what of my daily routine back. I always stay late at school anyways, so I'm basically just doing the same thing.

Oh gosh.

Well, its been a long few days for me recently. So much happened and I don't understand why it had to all play out the way it did. Its so stupid. Now I won't be able to go to school for two weeks, if I'm lucky. I hope its only two weeks. Oh gosh. I tried so fucking hard to make them wait until summer... no one would listen. Its going to be really hard to jump back into things with only two weeks left when I get back. I miss school. I miss it a lot. I miss my friends and my teachers and my routine. I have a very specific routine, and I don't feel right when it gets disturbed like it is right now. Its like the world is off balance or something. I hate this. And I don't even need to be at this stupid thing. The doctor said I could wait until summer. He told me like a million times, probably because I kept asking, but... well you get the point. I could've waited until summer.


Larraid is officially my mentor. yay.

I called school today as soon as I got out. John answered. It ws nice to hear from him. I love John, He's my favourite. He asked how I was doing and how lon I would be gone for and stuff. I almost cried. School is like a second home for me, and I just want to be home. Thats all I want. Its all I need to be happy. I need my routines and school... Oh gosh, I'm going to cry. Hahah.. I get to come during seventh hour tomorrow though. I'll probably get there around four, just to pop in and say hi. I haven't seen anyone for days.. I need to talk to Larraid about all thats happened. Thats why I called today, but I guess he had a sub. Which is weird, because he emailed my mom and told her that I could call him today if I needed too. I miss everyone so much! Sidney was so worried. I tried so hard to call her while I was in the ER. But right when I figured out her home number, the doctor told me I couldn't be on the phone. I miss everyone! I especially miss John and Larraid and Becky and Sidney and Randy and Nicole. Booker too! Hahaha, he makes me laugh whenever I'm sad. Oh dear.. Just thinking about everyone makes me so nostalgic. Its so dumb. Its only really been five days. But I feel like its been months. And I still don't get to fully come back for two more weeks.

I still get to come every day at like four though. Everyone will most likely be gone, but I'll just be coming to talk to Larry mostly, and John.. Tim even said he missed me! Hahah. I miss him too.

Oh, and I think I still get to go to prom. I don't know what the deal is for afterwards, but I still get to go at least. I'm very excited.


You know whats really dumb, I'm at my dads house! I think most everyone agreed that he was my main stresser, and yet they made me go home with him! How stupid. I have to stay here until friday morning, then I go to that thing and my mom will pick me up when I'm done.. afer that I guess we'll speed on over to school, talk to Sidney and such and maybe go home with her, not sure yet. Well, probably not go home with her right away, unless mom picks up my phone before she comes to get me, then she could drop me off at school and I'll go home with Sidney and help her get ready. I have no idea. I just want to be home in my own bed with my own stuff surrounded by my family and friends and be back in my own school. I don't think I've ever missed anything so much.

Dreaming.

Question of the day: What do you dream about? How do you interpret those dreams? Or, how do you tackle insomnia and sleepless nights?

I dream about all sorts of things. I always am half awake during the best dreams, so I always think they are real. So when I wake up, I forget that its not real, and then when I remember that it was just a dream, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach and I sometimes have this weird ache in my chest. Hah.. My dreams are almost always better than reality. Although, a lot of the times I have really vivid nightmares.

Insomnia is the one thing in my life that I'be never really gotten the hang of. I just go to sleep when I'm tired, or I guess its more like when I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Sometimes I have to try and trick myself into sleeping. Because I've I want to go to sleep, and I think about sleeping while I'm laying down trying, then I won't sleep. And if I think about how I just have to think about random things until I fall asleep, then I can't sleep. Its really hard not to think about it, because I have to trick myself, but I can't think about how, or it won't work. Hahahah.. So lately, I've just been waiting it out until I just can't be awake anymore.

Project

I think I'll pick Italy.

New project thingy.

I've never really had the urge to travel any where specific... So I'm not sure what I'm going to pick yet. Maybe Europe, but everyone wants to go to Europe, so thats kind of boring. I mean, not everyone in the class said Europe, but you always hear people saying Oh, I want to go to france or something like that... I don't know where I'd want to go. I guess it doesn't matter if its warm or not, although I don't think I would want to go any where that is really cold. Yeah... I don't know.

Weddings and things.

I think I've always thought about getting married since I was a little girl, just like most little girls in the world. I used to want to get married in a big poofy princess gown to some sort of a prince charming. Probably not going to happen.

When I think about marriage now, I always say that I want to marry someone jokingly, usually someone that I like, but it would probably not ever work out to actually be with them. Hah. I would love to have a wedding with a pretty dress and my family and friends and a reception with dancing and oddly formed toasts to the bride and groom. But when I think about it, any time I imagine what my wedding would be like, I can never see myself in the gown that I think about or walking down the aisle or anything. Its weird. And when I think about being married to anyone, I just don't think I'm that kind of a person. I can't imagine really ever being married. Only the wedding, and even then, its like I'm imagining someone else in my wedding dress marrying the person I want to marry.

weird.

Best of..

www.culturebully.com

Ummm.. well, its really not my kind of website. Lots of colors and cool videos. Just.. I don't know. Not interesting to me I guess. Mostly mainstream news about popculture and such. Eh.

Progression of someones life who is close to me.

No one told me my best friend would be an addict in dire need of help and it hurts me so much that I can't give her the help she needs.

No one told me my mother would leave me to raise myself and then when I least expect it, try to come into my life all at once and take away the freedom I had worked so hard to get.

No one told me we would be too poor to afford health insurance, so we had to get it from the county, which lead to an awful three year long custoday battle.

No one told me my dad was going to be a controling douchebag that thinks I should be locked in a tower until I'm thirty five.

I just want to scream. I'm so worried about Sidney and my mom and this stupid custody thing. I just want to fucking rip apart my room and cry and yell and throw everything I can get my hands on. I don't understand. She needs help, and I'm trying so hard to give it her without loosing our friendship. I want to tell her parents, but that won't help because she'll hate me for it, her parents will send her to rehab and it won't even help because she won't want to be there. Rady said today that some people just need to learn the hard way, but how may times does it take to get in trouble and have to have your friend save you from being cut off from a normal teenage life. How many times? I love Sidney and I will continue to save her everytime I can because I don't want her to push me away and I want her to be able to get it under control before she gets sent away to rehab.

I try not to get mad when she does stuff on weekdays because she says she's only doing it for fun. But today, for instance, her brother got high with her, then abandoned her at some park, and then when he got home, without her, and her parents asked where she was, he said he hadn't seen her all day. Then when I tried to talk to her about it, she laughed and said it was funny. I guess maybe I'm over reacting. But it just seems like all she ever wants to do is be high, and its not for the same reasons as it used to be. Before, at the beginning of the year, she wanted to be high just for the sake of being high, now she does for so many other reasons, or so it seems like and I just don't understand why she pretends like she's okay when we all know she's not.

I'm so fucking worried, and when I try to tell her, I always come out sounding angry, then she calls me her mom and blows me off.. I guess thats what I get. And thats okay, because if she doesn't want help, then maybe this is just how things were meant to go for her.

Not only this, but my father had almost sucessfully convinced my mother that I'm an irresponsible fucking asshole who doesn't deserve to be trusted because I'm a teenager. I worked so FUCKING hard over the past year or two to earn what little trust and respect that my mother has for me, and for him to fucking come in and over the course of three months, convince her that I'm not worth even that much makes me want to fucking scream. I am so unbelievably angry. I just... god.. I don't even know. I don't even have words for how angry I am. I make, for the most part, responsible decisions. I have room to improve, but so does every other human being on the planet. I don'tunderstand... I don't get arrested, I'm usually home on time, I go to school, I get good grades now. I take care of my friends, I play with Zach, I have dinner with my grandmother and aunt once a week. I spend time with my family, I'm trying to get a job, which is very hard to do. I just don't understand. I know I make mistakes and I'm in the process of fixing them.. But I'm not perfect and I should be allowed room to make mistakes. And when I do make them. my mom is usually the first person I tell.

Fuck. I'm tired and I have a lot of catching up to do in my blog.

Augusten! Where is your spirit of adventure?

Hahah, thatsone of my favourite lines in this movie. I wish I had a spirit of adventure.

I have this dumb paper for my history class to write before fourth hour today. I'm half way done and I don't know what to write about anymore. I only need three pages, but I only have one and a half.

I like this part, hahahahah... They totally demolish the ceiling. "I need high ceilings."

The paper is on the Ghost Dance, I basically already summarized what it was and where it originated.. I don't know what else I could write about.. Maybe the involvment it had in the Battle at Wounded Knee.

This part of the movie is like total chaos. Thats kind of how I feel like my life inside my brain is going right now. Its like there are so many things going on that its hard to process and I just want to rip apart my own ceiling to find something better.


Maybe I need high ceilings.. Hah. :)

Lame.

What is your achille's heel? How can you help me to complete my paper? Help!

Well as for your paper... my Grandma did the same thing with some huge paper that she had to do for her Phd, So every time I saw her I would give her a good luck kiss and tell her to hurry and finish so we could go and play. Hahah... that was a long time ago... But anyways, I'm not suggesting that I do the same with you, that would just be too weird. But maybe you could do something along the same lines with Quinn..

Hmmm..my achille's heel? I guess... it would probably be my artwork. Hah. I always have these great idea's, well I think. And then I either slack off and never finish or I'm scared that it will look absolutely hidious, so I just don't do it. But I have a feeling that if I would just do it more often, I would probably end up getting better at drawing or painting or whatever the idea is for.

Fame is Fleeting

I want to be famous. A famous artist I think. One that has photography and paintings and sculptures in all sorts of places. One who lives in a dirty little studio surrounded by friends, booze(just kidding) and my work. Thats what I'm going to do in the next few years, Sidney and I are going to rent a studio appartment together, probably with Nicole too, and then I;ll be halfway there. I'll just have to work on my art a lot more.

Speaking of art, I think there was a blog assignment about the integrity of our art or something.

I think that its really hard for artists to make a living, or at least when they first start out. And thats about the place that most people in this school are at. At least I am, along with a lot of my friends. Its really hard to even get comments on your work online, which if you put it on a popular website, you'd think people would get more comments, but not many people do.  It was really cool to have my painting up at art crawl though. Its nice to know that people were looking at my art. But I think thats the one and only "show" that my art has been in.

Running with Scissors :)

Probably my favourite movie. I always tell my mom that I wish our house was more like the Therapists house. Hahahah.. crazy, I know. But thats what my ideal household would be like. Maybe with a few changes though. :p

I wish I could skip school and run away like Augusten. I know that's not exactly logical or a possibility, but if I could do it, I would. And I understand the complications like money and a place to stay. I know it would be hard.. but I don't know.

God, I love the surreal insanity of this movie. I wish my life was more like this.