Progression of someones life who is close to me.

No one told me my best friend would be an addict in dire need of help and it hurts me so much that I can't give her the help she needs.

No one told me my mother would leave me to raise myself and then when I least expect it, try to come into my life all at once and take away the freedom I had worked so hard to get.

No one told me we would be too poor to afford health insurance, so we had to get it from the county, which lead to an awful three year long custoday battle.

No one told me my dad was going to be a controling douchebag that thinks I should be locked in a tower until I'm thirty five.

I just want to scream. I'm so worried about Sidney and my mom and this stupid custody thing. I just want to fucking rip apart my room and cry and yell and throw everything I can get my hands on. I don't understand. She needs help, and I'm trying so hard to give it her without loosing our friendship. I want to tell her parents, but that won't help because she'll hate me for it, her parents will send her to rehab and it won't even help because she won't want to be there. Rady said today that some people just need to learn the hard way, but how may times does it take to get in trouble and have to have your friend save you from being cut off from a normal teenage life. How many times? I love Sidney and I will continue to save her everytime I can because I don't want her to push me away and I want her to be able to get it under control before she gets sent away to rehab.

I try not to get mad when she does stuff on weekdays because she says she's only doing it for fun. But today, for instance, her brother got high with her, then abandoned her at some park, and then when he got home, without her, and her parents asked where she was, he said he hadn't seen her all day. Then when I tried to talk to her about it, she laughed and said it was funny. I guess maybe I'm over reacting. But it just seems like all she ever wants to do is be high, and its not for the same reasons as it used to be. Before, at the beginning of the year, she wanted to be high just for the sake of being high, now she does for so many other reasons, or so it seems like and I just don't understand why she pretends like she's okay when we all know she's not.

I'm so fucking worried, and when I try to tell her, I always come out sounding angry, then she calls me her mom and blows me off.. I guess thats what I get. And thats okay, because if she doesn't want help, then maybe this is just how things were meant to go for her.

Not only this, but my father had almost sucessfully convinced my mother that I'm an irresponsible fucking asshole who doesn't deserve to be trusted because I'm a teenager. I worked so FUCKING hard over the past year or two to earn what little trust and respect that my mother has for me, and for him to fucking come in and over the course of three months, convince her that I'm not worth even that much makes me want to fucking scream. I am so unbelievably angry. I just... god.. I don't even know. I don't even have words for how angry I am. I make, for the most part, responsible decisions. I have room to improve, but so does every other human being on the planet. I don'tunderstand... I don't get arrested, I'm usually home on time, I go to school, I get good grades now. I take care of my friends, I play with Zach, I have dinner with my grandmother and aunt once a week. I spend time with my family, I'm trying to get a job, which is very hard to do. I just don't understand. I know I make mistakes and I'm in the process of fixing them.. But I'm not perfect and I should be allowed room to make mistakes. And when I do make them. my mom is usually the first person I tell.

Fuck. I'm tired and I have a lot of catching up to do in my blog.